Life itself is a wonderful thing to behold. However, when it gets confusing, the game changes.
Life and Choices
Let me begin by saying that this post is a very personal one. My life is at a crossroads. With help from above, I will be 63 in a few months. If anyone would have told me I would be where I am now in my life, I would have slapped them stupid. Being 62 and thinking about moving on from the life I have known for 36 years, is quite daunting. Hell it’s pretty crazy to be honest. But I never said that I wasn’t that.
I made a choice last fall that was not a smart one, but none the less, I made it. I embarked on an online emotional affair with a gentleman, who made me feel like I haven’t felt in years. That being special, appreciated and wanted. It catapulted my world into a land of utter confusion and hurt for all involved, being my husband and children. That association has since ended, but the feelings it brought to life, have made me now question how happy have I really been in my life.
Life and Decisions You Make
The affair has taken its toll on my life and relationships, especially with my children. That is something I do regret. My relationship with my husband, unbeknownst to others, was already badly splintered. The feelings were dwindling, at least on my part. The emotional connection was never really there for years anyway. When you try to convey to someone how you feel, and they just don’t get it, well I just shut down.
That is how I have learned to handle things for years now. I would just deal with everything and move on and hope things would get better. I loved my home and didn’t want to rock the boat. This decision I made last fall, however, did just that. It has rocked my core. The one thing I am sure about is that I am not happy. I realized that during and after this affair, I had not been happy for years. But life was routine, so I just proceeded with it.
Picking Up Broken Pieces
When you realize in life, that picking up pieces is not like sweeping up broken glass, then you have a foundation on which to heal, reconcile or move forward. We went into family counseling about a month or so ago, to discuss, understand and see what the future has to offer for us all. My immediate goal with this also was to try to convey to my loved ones, why I did what I did. I regret the action, but not what has come about because of it. You can never apologize enough to people you love and care about after something like this. It has made me see more clearly though, that I need to do what is right for me at this stage of my life. I am also broken now, but no one sees it. I don’t expect them too. I also don’t expect pity, or people feeling sorry for me. It was brought on by me, and I will deal with all the consequences.
I’ve been through a lot through the years. Picking myself up is what I have always and will not stop doing. Being strong is not a choice, it was a requirement for years, in my life. It will take a lot to bring me down at this point. I don’t have much understanding from my family, understood, but maybe if they tried, they would know me better at this time in my life. I put many things aside for the love of my family through the years. Furthering my education, climbing the corporate ladder, I chose being a wife and mother, and stuck with that and loved it for all those years. I never asked for much in return. It’s always nice to receive some credit and respect at some point. It wasn’t always there. No one knows how many times I hurt about things. As I said, I would revert to my introverted ways, and shutdown. It’s now time to change that.
Life and Where to Go From Here
Everyday is a new day for me. I’m still 62 and when I can wake up and look forward to another day on earth, it’s a positive. I am also confused again about what my life should entail from this moment forward.
The goal is to be happy and try not to maliciously harm others in the process. It’s probably not going to happen, because when you embark on changes, everyone gets effected. Explaining to people that your life is your own, not to be possessed or controlled by others, should be cut and dry. I belong to myself. I am not one person’s territory. Life is confusing enough for one to muddle through everyday, but to be told that you are a possession, like a car or a piece of jewelry, is belittling. Love and respect are earned, not a given. When those feelings in a person change or go away, what do you do?
I’m back at a crossroads again. Other things are going on at the moment which take priority to my immediate situation. Once those hurdles are conquered, I will resume my journey. Happiness is still the key, and I refuse to be told by anyone, that I can’t do it. Life is short. And as a male high school friend of mine said to me…Go For It!!!!!